As you can guess from the elementary state of the layout, this is practically my first blog ever. I missed out on the early glory days of xanga and avoided posting anything too incriminating or private on facebook all this time for obvious reasons. I’ve been promising I would set aside some time to put my thoughts onto paper for a while, but I just never found the time. Well, here it is! Starting from this semester and onward, I’m going to see about posting here at least once a week. I don’t plan to dedicate posts to insightful or thought-provoking topics. I never was much of a political or philosophical thinker and I haven’t been keeping up with current events as of late.
I won’t try to mince words or butter up my language when I say the last semester wasn’t a gentle one at all. I underwent my own share of battles.
I initially applied to law school thinking it would be the answer to all my questions, the solution to all my anxieties, and thus the panacea to all my problems. All my life I’ve questioned why I’m here. What my purpose is in relation to the Almighty Creator who watches over all of us. When application deadlines cropped up, I tailored my personal statements with an eye toward communicating to my reader my sense of interest and hunger in working in a field that relates to the law. I toiled away for hours upon hours at the library dissecting all the nuances and mysteries of the entrance exam. Once I got into the school that I had almost written off as out of reach, everything seemed to fall into place. There was hardly a question that it was my destiny to become a lawyer.
Fast-forward several months, and I’ve found myself at law school with barely even a fraction of my confidence or conviction about my sense of self. I told myself going in that I would pour all my efforts into excelling academically while at the same time finding out just what God wants. I recently received my grades to find that none of them were as I’d wished them to be for all my efforts. But equally discouraging is I’ve also found myself rather lonely and isolated. I could try to attribute the social cliques that’re so prevalent to economic realities and exams placing pressure on them to succeed. But the bigger reality is I’ve never been able to relate easily with others. Compounding this is far fewer of them share my spirituality. But God did provide me with a close friend who is also a follower of His word. Though we don’t meet in person too often, it is comforting knowing there is someone I can speak to both in times of distress and joy.
All this time, I’d been keeping my communication line with God open. I missed very few Sundays to sleep later in the morning as I knew very well that I needed to go for my maintenance of my relationship. But ever so comforting is that many of the messages I listened to came out to me and often surprised me with their directness. Regardless the church I went to or the pastor that delivered it, I often left church wondering whether it was any coincidence that the message had been a direct response a prayer made out of anguish or concern.
But I now begin spring semester 2011 with a heavy feeling of uncertainty in my heart. My feelings of isolation and loneliness on top of my grades grate at my confidence. I go in knowing that everything else that happens from now on will all be on God, and I can’t do anything except accept whatever happens and have faith that He will provide. If I had miraculously ended up within the top 10% of my class, I would’ve no doubt been infused with a burst of confidence in my own ability to secure a job at graduation. But such isn’t my condition. All I can do now is to pray. To know that all things happen for His will. I don’t have any reason to slack off despite the temptation to kick back and say screw it. How well I do this semester will depend on a combination of retuning my study strategy and finding ways to prepare for my exams much better.
But still, I have to say that it’s scary. If anything, I’m tempted to freak out. I’m going to need a lot of faith and willpower to keep pressing on.
Oh well. It’s time for me to go to sleep. A quick prayer to the Big Buy up above and I’m hitting the sack.